


Put a Name to It

by riceballinthebasket



Category: Fruits Basket, Fruits Basket (Anime 2019), Fruits Basket - Takaya Natsuki (Manga)
Genre: Anxiety, Light Angst, Mental Health Issues, Other, Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:53:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25770001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/riceballinthebasket/pseuds/riceballinthebasket
Summary: Tohru reflects on her constant thrum of anxiety over the years: short and definitely not to the point.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 17





	Put a Name to It

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time dipping into fan fiction in a long while--be kind, be critical, but hopefully it's enjoyable! <3 I hope to write more plot-driven pieces later, but as someone who relates to Tohru's constant anxiety, this came to me. I hope you find some way to relate to it as well!

She must always move.

That’s why she’s always cleaning, bouncing, moving around. It doesn’t matter if the dishes are clean or dinner’s well on its way to finish cooking—Tohru Honda cannot sit still.

It’s the same inside her mind, like a constant buzzing in the back of her head even though it’s not always words. Sometimes the volume of the buzzing screeches, brings her heartrate up, and other times its low hum soothes her. One rarely finds her watching TV alone unless it’s an occasion like a holiday, and she finds ways to sing to herself if she’s walking anywhere on her own. She didn’t like to think of herself as dependent on others, yet without their presence she began to fold in on herself. While the tent happened, it was still a whim, something she convinced herself she could do long term without an actual plan in place to do so. Even so, her determination to be self-reliant gave her the strength to push through. And yet…

Shigure-san’s house appeared before her. The boys appeared before her. She took it as a message from her late mother: _You don’t have to do everything alone, Tohru. You need a family._

Tohru loves her grandfather, but she doesn’t fit in with her other relatives. She hadn’t grown up knowing them, and furthermore they didn’t seem to want her around at all. Tohru hadn’t understand what it meant to have a chosen family, other than Uo-chan and Hana-chan, and still she couldn’t burden them. To the Sohmas—the wealthy Sohmas, honestly—she wasn’t a burden. To Shigure-san, Yuki-kun, and Kyo-kun, she was a welcome addition to the house, and even knowing this she still could not sit and relax. It was easier to wipe down the table, to put the dishes away, to take inventory of the food in the fridge, to clean the bathroom, anything to keep twittering about and to avoid having to stop and take it all in.

Kyo-kun once asked this of her: to take it all in. She had gotten home a little late from work, and he was up trying to make some soumen. After helping him whip it up, they sat down together for a late-night meal, and she dared ask him about his future. At the time, she had no idea his future to live free was impossible; she just assumed, like everyone else, even though he was the Cat, he had some choice in the matter. But he pushed her, inquired of her future plans now that her mother was no longer around. It was a challenge. She felt she failed it by crying in front of him, but he took her hand and assured her _it’s okay_. As he called her “hopeless”, she knew he meant the opposite by the tender lilt of his voice and the way he leaned in to gaze more fully at her. And when Shigure-san came in with his writer wisdom, it calmed her even more. It is okay to express these worries. It is okay to sit in it and be anxious. It was okay to sit with everyone and not completely solve the worries and just eat soumen and enjoy each others’ company.

Anxiety. Tohru hardly ever put a name to it. Surely, she was anxious. It was obvious to anyone, including herself, and still she hesitated to name it for what it was. Being alone in this world, without her mother—it took everything Tohru had to convince herself she could do it alone. But doing it alone and doesn’t mean she didn’t need others for help. Kyo-kun has told her time and time again she is allowed to be selfish, though quite honestly she knows she’ll be working on this for years to come.

She worried so many people, hasn’t she? For this the guilt eats at her insides like maggots. Putting on a cheery disposition and investing herself in others and their experiences helps her forget that she might be an attention seeker.

_No, no, Tohru_. Not this disparaging of herself again. No matter how loved she told herself she was, it all boils down to this time and time again. But when these moments come, she simply takes a deep breath, reaches for Kyo-kun, and makes plans for a soumen night.


End file.
